Painful transformation: True Blood Season 5 Episode 3: Whatever I Am, You Made Me

Tara (Rutina Wesley) in her pre-vampire days (satin_shirt via Flickr)

A review of the True Blood Season 5, Episode 3. Warning: SPOILERS!

The name of this episode ‘Whatever I Am, You Made Me’ was especially apt in an episode which focussed on beginnings and traumatic transformations.

It wouldn’t be True Blood without Tara threatening to commit suicide, but really? A sunbed? Wouldn’t it just be easier just to break off a bit of banister and stake herself? We’ve realised that Tara isn’t a mentally subnormal vampire, just a very angry one. She went wandering in the woods and  we saw the world through her eyes; her super-sensitive ears picking up the rustling of a squirrel in a far-off tree and the Milky Way bearing down her spectacularly. Instead of appreciating her new powers- because that scene frankly made me want to become a vampire- she went off in a huff and spent most of the episode in Merlottes’ cold store.

Ah, well, we’ve got those who really appreciate vampirism. The flashback with Pam and Eric continues, and 20th century Eric continues to make me drool. I’m also beginning to think that Pam might be more than a little in love with her maker; she was always devoted to him but there were heavy hints dropped in previous seasons that her tastes lay elsewhere. However we see Pam and Eric sleep together-admittedly to settle a debt- in 1905 and she begs him “let me walk the world with you, Mr Northman, or watch me die.”

Jason bumps into his old high-school teacher in the supermarket. It being Jason, it’s isn’t too long before they’re in bed- well, the living room floor- together. Ms Steeler seduced Jason when he was 15, and he has a bit of an epiphany; the teacher took advantage of him so that’s why he’s been such a man-whore ever since. Ah, the Jason Stackhouse School of Psychology. Later in the episode Jessica and Jason forget the benefits and focus on the friends part.

Jessica really is coming into her own; I loved her encounter with the two-faced clothes shop assistant. She then gets a snifter of an irresistible man; what’s the betting he’s a fairy? (I’m sorry, I can’t write that without snickering).

Sookie tells Alcide the truth about Debbie’s death. He ain’t impressed, and it looks like Sookie won’t be getting the shift from man, beast, or vampire in Season 5.

Poor Andy had an embarrassing pic posted on Facebook, which we all can sympathise with, and Terry went off for a wander. The writers seem to care so little about this Terry-Arlene storyline that the scene lasted all of two seconds. We also saw Hoyt in eyeliner and black netting, which was oddly unsettling.

Someone who definitely got the shift and much more was Salome, a member of the Authority. The name sound familiar from a far off Mass? She was a real person, or at least in Biblical terms she was. She also is a vampire who has her wicked way with not only Bill, but Eric and Roman too.

The Authority are great so far, but I’ve a minor quibble. The kid. Is he supposed to be a bit Omen-esque? He doesn’t convince me, and though I hate Twilight, if they wanted to go the creepy child vampire route they could have cast someone like Dakota Fanning.

They’ve sent Bill and Eric off on their way to kill Russell with iStakes attached to their chests. If they displease the Authority, they can activate the stakes by iPhone and turn my favourite vampire, and Bill, into mush. Not cool Apple, not cool at all.

Let’s hope they find Russell fast, because as the Authority’s gadget chief says “You’re too cute to be goo.”

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